HE'S A KEEPER

Every day, I see articles and short blurbs about ‘How to tell if your man is a keeper’. They are posted all over the internet and social media. They are in columns in popular magazines or fragmented sections on talk shows. They show up in our news feed because one day you clicked on, “(enter a love topic here)”. 

Now, because of ‘like-farming’, other similar topics are blasted in front of you. You keep clicking on them. Before you know it, you’ve found a column that reads, ‘If your partner has one of these 25 characteristics, he’s a keeper’.

Seriously? What year is this? Anyway…

So you think to yourself, ‘He has two of the 25 listed’, so you start wondering about your partner choice. You realize he’s a decent person, because he has a few of those qualities listed in a column written by an expert. 

Do these look familiar?

He cares about how your day went
He's polite

He doesn’t call you crazy

       He makes you feel beautiful

He texts you right away

       He knows how to apologize

He likes spending time with you

       He doesn’t hold a grudge

He’s patient with you
He lets you have your space

These are all irrefutable, good qualities to have. They are all positive strengths individuals look for in a mate, or even a friend. When we decide to settle down with someone, these make you feel special and appreciated and loved.

He's perfect! :/

We don’t want to date someone with contrasting qualities of the aforementioned list. It’s absurd to want a partner who treats you badly or someone that doesn’t appreciate you. We all know this. I believe we all desire respect, attention, appreciation, and affection. They make us feel good.

The one? Really? Because of candy?

Fishing. Hmm. Ask him to do
what you want to do, see what he says.

They’re all signs that he’s ‘into you’. If your partner is doing all the right things required to suit you personally, that side of the coin is flawless. I also believe the list is ubiquitous and fundamental.  If the listed assets are applied in your relationship, there shouldn’t be a doubt in your mind that he/she loves you. If they are giving you everything they have and they show you all these qualities, then they are a saint. It’s on you if you doubt their adoration for you.

Pauses. Video game. Enough said...

(If you don’t care much about yourself or your own happiness, this is the end of the article for you. You have found mediocrity! Congratulations! Everyone else, continue.)

He treats you like a queen! He’s romantic and loving and giving. He gives the best gifts and surprises, and he loves you with every fiber of his being. And you don’t doubt it one iota.

But how do you feel? What about your feelings? Do you fall head over heels when he’s around? Do you get butterflies at the slightest thought of his presence? He’s perfect, you should.

But you don’t. Sometimes, no matter how much we receive, the reciprocity of feelings just isn’t there. You could read every “he’s a keeper’ article until you’re blue in the face and not feel what you need to feel. You can even begin to question whether there is something wrong with you. You’ve dreamed of finding a mate who has all the qualities that are now before you, and all you can do is feel less than satisfied.

Yeah, that won't ever get old,
or cause problems.

These articles do this to us. These articles tell us to settle for how he treats us and what he does for us. In reality, our feelings matter. Even the person giving to us begins to question our sanity. They may think or say, ‘Look at what I give you and do for you. Isn’t that what you want? Don’t you want to be treated like you deserve to be treated?”

Yes, yes we do. But it has nothing to do with them. It has to do with what we feel and what we want. 100%.

Let’s delve deeper. There is more to this story.

Let’s ask that last question again. When the giver thinks or says, “Don’t you like being treated well?”

RED FLAG. THAT IS A RED FLAG. Let me explain…

(Read the question again and ponder this... What does it make you feel? Does it make you confused? Is it hard to answer? If you’re on the fence about this person, it can be very difficult to answer. It’s manipulation. Read on.)

Emotional tears equate
to love. Who knew?

Yes, it is a red flag. Why? Listen, if you feel less for someone than they feel for you, it doesn’t mean that you still don’t deserve to be treated in all those ways. Their statement is a guilt trip, a type of manipulation. A means to their end. It passively begs a question regarding your sanity. It’s very complicated. But manipulation is usually felt before it is recognized. And remember, manipulation only progresses the manipulator. It’s never good for the other party. (But that’s a different blog all together)

So, I’ll ask it again from the perspective of the giver. “Don’t you like being treated well?”

Yes, yes we do. But we don’t feel the same for them as they do for us, and we can’t force ourselves to feel more than we do. Of course we like being treated well, and what we don’t appreciate is someone questioning our sanity. That’s what that question is proposing.

Here’s the bottom line. Yes, we like being treated well. We know we deserve to be treated well. We just don’t base our own feelings and our reality on what YOU do for US! Our feelings are also based on how we feel for you. Being the perfect partner to us won’t get us to a place that makes you happy. It all lies with love. There are some people we aren’t meant to love and no matter what their actions and behaviors are, we can’t tip to their side of the fence. We might be happy. But our soul isn’t comfortable.

There are lots of reasons a person can’t get to the ‘in love’ stage. Maybe they are dead inside. Maybe they’ve been wounded and need time to heal. Or maybe it is them after all.

I could list a thousand reasons why someone can be nearly perfect for us, and 10 reasons why they aren’t. Those 10 explanations are the reason we sit on the fence.

 

He’s good to me. But are you in love?

He treats me like gold. But are you in love?

Love is a commitment, not a feeling. The commitment comes when you can give someone all of yourself to the person standing in front of you. How do you get there? By overlooking flaws and mistakes. By realizing they are just as imperfect as you are. By knowing that this person has a good heart. By knowing you are safe with this person. By knowing that all you have and all you are is protected in the heart of another. But it’s also knowing the other person’s flaws aren’t detrimental. And an example of a detriment can be a manipulative statement or question like, “Don’t you want to be treated well?”

I’m sorry. That doesn’t sit well with me. A manipulative comment means their heart isn’t clear. It means they still have demons. It means they still have some growing up to do. It means they are slightly selfish, but not always. It means they are desperate. And that, my friends, will cause the receiver to sit on the fence, even when the giver is nearly perfect.

(I know this is somewhat confusing, but follow me here)

He/she treats me great, but is rude to servers.

He/she treats me like a queen, but is awkward.

He/she treats me like I’ve always wanted to be treated, but is immature in a lot of ways.

I’ve never felt so loved, but pouts when they don’t get their way.

It’s very obvious to other people that he/she loves me, but can be possessive.

He/she puts themselves last to give me everything I want, but doesn’t have a backbone with anyone.

These are wonderful,
if you feel the same in return.

He/she shouts to the world that I’m the one, but doesn’t regard how I’d feel about it.

He/she respects everything I do, but doesn’t always support it.

So…Yes, we are treated well. And they meet all 25 ‘he’s a keeper’ qualifications. But what about the red flags? Those can’t be bypassed. Those are more important.

For me, it’s easier to eliminate potential partners by what I don’t want, and what I won’t tolerate, rather than how wonderfully I’m treated. And again, yes, I want to be respected in all the ways those articles describe ‘keepers’. But there are other standards that must be met before a ‘keeper’ status stands. I’ll even sacrifice a few of the good ones to get rid of those underlying manipulations that are unacceptable.

There isn't anything wrong with you when a great guy comes along and you feel less than 'in love'. It just means he isn't the one, or maybe he's not the one right now. And you shouldn't be guilted into answering manipulative questions. Your perfect guy is out there. He may not be perfect. He'll be missing a few traits from someone's 'keeper' list, but you'll feel it. Then, life will be gloriously imperfect.

So, the next time you see an article listing a singular trait and why that makes him a keeper, remind yourself to pay attention to the red flags. The red flags are gut feelings. And a gut feeling means your brain is speaking to your heart. Your gut feeling is a keeper.