Unlike the majority, I rarely make resolutions at the end or beginning of a year. The universal thought process behind resolutions is a bit dated with conscious expectations of eventual failure. I’ve learned to avoid making promises I can’t keep. I resolve to establish change on readiness, circumstances, determination, and God. I’ve learned to trust myself, or still learning day by day. I’ve learned that I’m the only one I can trust at this point in my life. I’ve learned that change is something I do alone. No one can do it for me. I cannot be pushed, coached, or managed. I’m relearning how to be honest with myself. Change isn’t permanent, it is fluid. But, it should move forward to make us better people. If we aren’t advancing, there are only two other directions: Complacency and Digression. I fear both.
I make a conscious effort and an honest attempt to improve myself. I despise inconsistency, deception, and a lack of integrity in others chiefly because I know my heart is clear of those traits. I don’t hide dishonesty well. If someone sees inconsistency, deception, and a lack of integrity in my actions, it isn’t because I have those in my character. I simply shield my thoughts and emotions due to a waning of trust in them. My defensive walls block their duplicity which they translate as a lack of clarity. I may or may not speak of their words or actions and there is no obligation for it to be revealed. I simply chose to let others see me as they wish.
My decisions to change, meaning to evolve, should be resolute. There’s no alteration because the date changes. Most of my transformation happens midday, on a Tuesday, when the sky is gray, watching passersby, listening to my favorite songs, turning left at a yellow light, dreaming of bucket list items, praying for peace, laughing with my children, witnessing generosity, socializing in a crowd, or sitting quietly in a candlelit room. There’s no dramatic epiphany when change sweeps inside my soul. I can’t pinpoint a date. It just becomes me. And I am changed. It won’t happen on January 1st. It’ll happen when I push the lighted button to advance to the next floor. The door will open and I’ll exit. I won’t stay there though. It won’t be long before I advance up the stairs. Many will appreciate me and I’ll say goodbye to others. Besides, I’ll make my way to the next Eve as a changed person, with a new reflection and palpable experience.
~ I wrote this last year on New Year’s Day/Eve, but I honestly don’t remember which one. I’ve been awful at keeping my blog updated. I never even finished details about my solo trip to Colorado in September of 2016. I still write, but been lax on posting. A lot has gone on, and a lot has changed. I’m making a promise to myself to do better. Regardless of the number of folks who read my blog, I really do it for me. I’m happy when I feel vulnerable enough to let others in and see my thoughts and to know who I truly am. If we are anything, we are all sentient beings who are in this thing called life together. I blog for healing and clearing away the webs in my mind, but I also do it just in case someone can relate to me and feel they aren’t alone.
My 2017 was an awakening and I think I’ll talk about that…
