Loyalty

I’ve had a few conversations with some people lately about a topic that is grounded in loyalty. It doesn’t look like loyalty on the surface but it truly is when you dive deep in its rudimental foundation. It’s a topic I know well because I pride myself on loyalty. I’ve worked to maintain it, and I hold others to the same standard even though I know that’s impossible. I hold it as one of my strongest characteristics. Therefore, to judge my own loyalty standard, I see fallacies in disloyal behavior, even when the behavior may look innocent to others.

The topic is dating and following those you once tried to date. It isn’t about ex’s. We’ve all had more than our fair share of those. Ex’s can be followed on social media if you’re still friends, and I don’t mean friends that still hang out. I mean ‘friends’ whom you wish them well, watch to see if they find happiness, and you watch their families thrive. That can be healthy. Most of us follow exes, and if healthy boundaries are in place, that isn’t a problem. They’re exes for a reason, right? Not much of a threat there.

The conversations I’ve had are with people in the dating world who are still looking for someone to share a life with, or perhaps they’ve been in a relationship and they begin to notice things. I think this is a topic the majority deal with but no one talks about.

The problem, as stated isn’t exes. The men/women you’re attempting to date are still following someone they met online, or someone they were interested in at one point in time but never built a relationship. I believe this to be disloyal. It’s disloyal mainly to yourself. Why would you continue to follow or maintain “friends” status with them? Who are they to you? Do they bring value to your daily life, because we all know we spend too much time on social media scrolling the feed? Who are you wasting time on in your feed? People you once “swiped” on? You’re devaluing yourself by keeping them. I know that unless you dig deep into that last statement you won’t find the loyalty foundation, but it’s there. You devalue yourself because you’ve moved on from them. Let them go. By keeping them “hanging around”, it makes you look pathetic, actually. Desperate, even.

Are you trying to keep your “friends” number up? That’s also kind of sad because we should value the quality of our friends and not the quantity.

Secondly, as someone recently said, you’re devaluing the next person you date. How dare you keep a “friend” that isn’t really a friend but someone you saw as attractive enough to meet on a dating site, and someone you invested in, even if briefly. How inconsiderate is it to keep following them when you go blue in the face telling the new person that they’re “enough”? No one believes your words when you’re seen following old dating interests.

How awful of a world is it when you maintain that ‘follow’ when we are already insecure and threatened by men/women online, in magazines, and in our day to day. How disrespectful is it to keep them as a ‘friend’ when this issue is loyalty.

Luckily I don’t have a jealousy problem. But I do have high loyalty standards, and so do the few people I’ve spoken with recently that spurred this discussion. They’re sad and disappointed and quite frankly, I feel bad that they can’t be truly happy because they’re told… “I don’t talk to them, they’re just a friend on fb.”

Some of the discussion comments that were made (the few I remember):

It hurts when they like or have liked pics of them; it hurts when they follow half-naked men/women; it hurts when they follow women/men they don’t know; it hurts when I’m lied to when I bring it up; I hate that it happens and called crazy for bringing it up. They also follow pages of the people they once had interest in.

Ouch! The only advice I could give is express your grievances and if behavior doesn’t change, move on.

Loyalty, man…That’s a hard one to grasp. Maybe explaining the Golden Rule could help? Or perhaps showing them how it feels by reversing the situation? If they don’t care at all and they shrug it off like none of it really matters, but it matters to you, then it should matter to them. If it still doesn’t matter to them, move on and find someone new. Or be single. There is so much value in being single. That’s where I found my healing, and that’s what I tried explaining to the few people I spoke with about this topic. It’s difficult convincing people that single-dom can be amazing. The things I hear and have experienced in today’s dating world are some heavy burdens.

 

Loyalty is more than not sleeping with someone. Loyalty is action. Loyalty is not in your words. Loyalty is in the changed behavior. Loyalty is looking forward, not behind. If you’re still following a man/women you “swiped” on or met once, that’s disloyalty. Especially when you’re just trying to build a relationship through trust with someone you might care about. I don't think I could commit long term (marriage) if I had those relationship problems. Too much baggage. Too many triggers.

I hope this brings benefit to someone, but it could just be more groundling kabuki.

I suppose some don’t care about “likes or follows”, but it’s a love language at its depth. Acts of service. Screw the flowers and the chocolates. We want loyalty. And maybe a trip to Italy.

Definitely a trip to Italy.

Sitting at the Fork

I'm not lost. I'm not stuck. I'm just wandering and meandering in multiple directions. Sometimes I take the road less traveled and sometimes I take the easy route to avoid conflict or friction life creates. Life gives us a crossroad occasionally. Usually we spend a bit of time looking at each road with objectionable thought and ruminate over what each possible path will lead to. We have a choice to make. This creates the life we live.

But there are times in our life when the choices are not our own. We live the same routine day in and day out and continue to live one responsibility at a time. We just keep walking. When we get to that crossroad there are no choices, only roads with barriers that cannot be moved by us. You stand looking at each option but your feet are planted firmly waiting for someone to come along and move the blockade for us because someone holds that power and we have to keep asking until that person comes along. We ask, beg, and plead for the answers we want and we keep asking but all we hear are echos as people walk past you like you aren't screaming, searching for the right person to help.

So as I stand and look at the fork in the road, I can't make a choice because the power doesn't lie with me. My power lies in my patience as I decide to sit instead of stand at the fork. I'll sit comfortably and possibly cry occasionally at my futile efforts. That doesn't mean I give up. It only means I'm tired of waiting. I'll try not to scold myself for the wrong roads I took along the way. Those wrong choices just mean that it'll take some extra time for the right people to catch up to me and remove the barriers currently before me.

Above all, I'm blessed with the people around me, supporting me. I'm happy, healthy, and loved. I suppose I'll just enjoy the view from the middle of the street while I'm waiting. Answers might take awhile so I should probably get some snacks.

Too Much

Too much…

Those are words I’ve heard my entire life. Not always those EXACT words. Sometimes it sounded like…

“You love me too much”

“You care too much”

“You feel too deeply”

“You’re too sensitive”

“You’re too passionate”

“You’re intense”

“You’re different”

“You’re unique”

“You laugh too loud”

“You can’t hide anything because your face says it all”

“You need to find someone that can handle you”

“You’re a lot”

“I just don’t understand you”

“You over-think”

“You dream too much”

I’ve never thought of myself as ‘too much’. I’m just me… Maybe the people saying I’m too much aren’t ‘enough’. Maybe they should dream bigger, vibrate higher, laugh louder, find something they’re passionate about, care deeper, think about others more, think outside the box, color outside the lines, and feel more than they do.

I’ve also heard, “You’re too quiet”. Well, being “too much” is usually followed by a sort of crash. I’m “too much” for so long that eventually my brain shuts down. I don’t want to chit chat when I’m in a zone, or when I’m processing, or when I’m dreaming, or when I’m laughing, or when I’m not understood, or when I’m intense.

My kids are their own kind of "Too much"...No idea where they got that. 

I’m in a deep think 90% of the time and even though that’s where I like to live, it takes a toll on me. The other 10% of me needs mindless TV, easy reading, and silence. 

I understand most people live on the surface and fear the depths. They don’t visit there often and avoid it as much as possible. I know because my life has been spent searching for the depth of people and it’s like swimming in a puddle.

I easily recognize those who live in the depths. I see you. I don’t say as much, but I see you and appreciate you. We understand each other. My soul is close to theirs and we usually don’t even speak. We just ‘feel’ each other and understand. Luckily, those people exist in my world, because where would we be without an understanding of each other?

I went through a situation several years ago and I was told I was ‘too much’. I decided to call an ex I was in a long-term relationship with in my early 20’s who also told me “You love me too much”. I asked him if he remembered saying that. He did. I asked him what that meant because I truly wanted to know more about me and people’s perception. He said, “Sacha, you weren’t too much. I just wasn’t ready to love you with the same intensity that you loved me. I was selfish and didn’t realize you were exactly what I wanted. I’d kill for that now”. Fast forward 20+ years and we still have respect for each other, but I am glad he was honest with me.

Just this year I was told I was ‘too much’ because I revealed someone’s lies with direct evidence, straight to their face. If you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fear.

I was told last year, “Sacha, you need someone who can handle you. You keep stumbling on friends/relationships with people who love the idea of you, but they can’t meet you with the same passion you have”. After learning about myself and what I experienced this year, I believe that. So many can’t see past themselves to appreciate another.

I don’t care or love ‘too much’… You just don’t know how to accept my giving.

I don’t have “too much” passion… You’re just scared to visit your own. It takes a lot of work to chase your dreams.

I’m not “too sensitive”… You just need to learn to watch your insensitive words and their deliverance to others.

I don’t “laugh too loud”… You just need to find something to laugh at instead of being so blah…

I don’t “dream too big”… You just need to dream bigger.

I’m very simple if you really know me. I don’t want anything more than anyone else. If you know my love languages, I’m very easy to understand. I require very little to be happy. You’d know that if you sit with me for longer than any amount of small talk. I need the depth of people…I want to know how you are, not trails of, ‘how’s your day’.

I don’t smother people or chase people, and I don’t beg people to include me or love me or ask them to stay. I let them be who they are and I watch. They show me what they are capable of giving. I then decide whether I’m going to stay or leave. Before I leave, however, I’ll stay too long.

If you try to cage me in all my "too muchness", I just become "too much" more.

I’m currently at the Denver airport writing this ‘Wednesday’ blog… (Not really. I started this blog long ago)

This day was filled with so much activity and unforgettable experiences. It started at 4:30 am Denver time. Again.

Mornings in the mountains are so pretty…

With zero issue, I arrived at the park entrance...

Gahhhh...lol

As I entered the park, this was the view...

I believe this is a fox...

Then I went on down the road a ways. I saw some photographers staring earnestly into the meadow. I pulled over and saw this...

It's Marty Moose...hahaha

I drove on up the road and decided to hike when I came to a trail head. I grabbed my camera, cellphone, selfie stick, and my bug spray. Off I went up the trail. It was very intimidating and quiet. You could hear the wind, pine cones falling randomly out of the trees, and lots of small sounds that forced me to turn my head to make sure I was the only 'thing' around...lol

I actually recorded several videos but I learned you can't have the selfie stick jack inserted in the phone during videos, only photos. Meanwhile, you can see what I'm doing but hear nothing. I was pretty bummed about that but it was a learning moment. I won't post them because unless you can read lips, it'd be pointless. :/

I did shoot some photos while deep in the woods. I left the main trail for a bit...

I took this photo for no other reason than to capture the beauty. I found out later, I'll explain, that it's actually the near beginning of the Colorado River. I thought it was nothing more than a creek.

I didn't stay off the trail too long. It was actually quite scary being out there alone, never knowing what I'd find, or what would find me, as I was severely ill-prepared to be out there. There were tons of noises that were unfamiliar and I really couldn't tell what direction they were coming from. So, I headed back to the main path...

*Three year break...

So this is where I stopped writing after my trip. The year is 2019, December 27th to be exact and I need to finish writing about my trip that year. I don't mind re-living it, however, the details are all blurred at this point except a few highlights. There are moments that I'll never forget and I'll touch on those briefly from this point on, simply to summarize my thoughts from the trip.

Back to the trail I went...
The only wildlife I saw while walking this trail were deer. Not your typical white-tails. These were Mule Deer. To me, they seemed much larger than the ones we are familiar with around here. They were quite intimidating, especially when you walk close to one and don't even realize it, like I did.

I got so close to one that we made eye contact... I decided to turn around when I happened upon a buck. Just then, I ran into a couple that were out walking the trail (they later told me they walk the trail ever single day together). He said, "don't be alarmed, come walk with us". He saw the look on my face (a twinge of fear). They were God sent, I just know. That's what I get for straying from the main trail...

So off I went further along the trail with this couple that knew the area so well..










My trail angels...

Saw some backpackers and some folks enjoying their horses...











Me: Can I get a selfie with you guys?
Them: What's a selfie?
Me: Say cheese!!

They told me they started walking this trail because their Lab loved walking it, but they lost him earlier that year, but they still walk the trail every day. That was 3+ years ago. I'd love to know if they still walk that trail :)









I took a thousand pictures, but even if I posted them all, you'd still never grasp the beauty...

Came across lots of elk. A bull and 18 females were following him to be exact. He bugled right in front of all of us who stopped to stare, and it was beautiful and deafening all at once. I was about 20 feet from him.





Then I headed back down, toward an exit from the RMNP... But not before I took some photos...







Once I made it to Estes Park, I accidentally ran into the house where the The Shining was filmed, in part. (It's not the grand estate on the inside, but it does have the famous room inside #237, but I didn't want to pay a fortune to see it because at this point, I still hadn't see the movie even though I knew so much about it. Anyway...





Estes Park is a little town in Colorado that reminds me of Pigeon Forge, albeit with a different aroma in the air... ;)

I walked around taking in the sites, had a nice Thai lunch as I watched passers-by, and left with a mild contact high :D





Drove back through the Rocky Mountain National Park to get back to my hotel. I had to pay to get into the part this time since there was a guard on duty (there wasn't at 630 am when I entered that morning). I tried to sweet talk my way in without paying, but they weren't having it. Took my time driving back through, took more pictures but again, you had to be there.

When I got back to the hotel, there was some excitement. Of course there was no one in the parking lot, as I was one of the only guests for the week (see previous blog post).

I started to walk into the lodge and there were officers crouched down on the ground with weapons drawn... They quickly waved me in. I was told my the desk clerk that there was a felon loose close by and they know his whereabouts. I stood behind the cops and crouched down because I am curious like a cat...lol  I started to feel like I was hindering them, so I went to my room and watched a police chase down the road. Literally, an hour and a half from civilization and there's a stand off at my hotel. How fun!! It actually made national news as I had friends texting me to check on me. Ha! Oh, what fun! You can see in the pictures, kind of, that they caught the bad guy. Luckily!





I'm glad I have these photos. Not sure anyone would have believed me otherwise :D

That was enough excitement for one day...

Thursday - My last full day


Off to Pike's Peak, Garden of the Gods, and Colorado Springs... Not in that order. Reverse order, actually...













The road up to the Peak is no joke... One little over correction to the right and you fall straight down to your death. The little Toyota I was driving was my buddy and handled like a champ :)





My journey into Heaven...lol  JK

The view from the top...




I got a little light headed so I didn't stay long...



Got lost on my way back to the hotel (Not surprising since there was no cell service and no GPS) took an extra 2 hours to get home with an already 1 and a half hour drive anyway. It all worked out. Saw some amazing sites on the back roads...



Pulled over a few times to listen to the quiet...

Stopped at a little (tiny) town to ask for directions, I made it back just before dark...

Friday - I had a few hours to kill before I headed to the airport (ugh)

The moon coming up over the mountains was something to behold...
And I watched the sunrise while I drank my coffee...I was in no hurry this day.





Because it was the beginning of the weekend, other guests were now present at the lodge...
Also, pictures of my room for the week...










Off to one of my walks in the woods...




Gotta love someone's sense of humor!

Then I made the long trek to the car rental company to return the Toyota... The bus took me to the airport...





Soooo much fun! (Insert eye roll here)



^^^ That's what the fear of flying looks like!



Back on the tram to board... then to the gate! (ARHG)







My ride!



I didn't want to go... I thought about just driving the Toyota home around this time and figured it was a little late for that idea...



And... Away, we go!







It was a bumpy ride home. Lots of thunder and lightning in Indy. The plane descended and ascended a couple times. I was out of my mind with fear and anxiety, but I lived...



I made a couple friends...



The face of "My fear is gone"...



I made it home... My mom and dad and daughter were waiting for me. I loved my trip. I have so many memories I still think back on and I'm so glad I went. I am a bit spoiled now as I loved traveling solo. Peopling can be a lot sometimes :D