Solo Trip - 4

The airplane ride was everything I expected. It was frightening! From the moment I boarded until I took my seat by the aisle, I wondered how I'd ever make a 2 hour and 30 minute flight above the clouds. That was only the beginning. As the airplane taxied down the run way I contemplated yelling, "Let me off this thing", but I turned up the music on Pandora, shut my eyes, and waited until I felt the wheels leave the ground. WORST. FEELING. EVER. Or so I thought...

The worst feeling ever is the settling feeling as the plane gains altitude and ascends toward the sky. I thought for sure we were all going to plummet back to the ground in a fiery blaze. Didn’t happen, luckily. It just kept going higher and higher. I found the strength to open my eyes to grab this picture…

After about 20 or 30 minutes, which was way too long, the airplane finally leveled and the seatbelt sign dinged off. Side note, any time something would ding my heartrate increased. Oh, for crying out loud, keep it together. Only 2 more hours to go. Ugh, I wasn’t going to make it. :/

After about an hour, I was able to relax a bit. It was smooth sailing. There were few bumps and turns at that point. So I grabbed these pictures while I was brave...

               

Then it was time to potty. The bathroom was big enough for about half of me, so there’s that. Upon returning to my seat, I put my earbuds back in and waited for my peanuts. Turns out, there were no peanuts. Very disappointing. Although, they handed out cheese crackers and pretzels. I ordered a coke and a coffee to go with that morsel of a meal. I’m actually surprised I was hungry, but then again, I like to eat even under stress.

The young gal that sat next to me (she had the window seat) decided that she needed her seat and the seat next to me to store all of her items. Snacks, purse, and she even used the food tray in the middle seat to station her drink, which she didn’t drink. The girl thought she owned the place. I’m surprised she didn’t ask me to move over so she could use half my seat. At the end of the trip, the flight attendant took the girls unopened drink and put it in a trash bag. The girl gave her a look of frustration to which I snickered…LOL. The girl had warning though. The pilot had just announced that the attendants would be coming around and nothing should be left out. It was entertaining.

As we got closer to Denver, the attendant announced, with comedic style, that we should expect dramatic but normal turbulence upon descending. WHAT??? Ugh. I turned Pandora up as loud as it would go as a distraction. Yeah, the bumps were not pretty. Yet, I remained as calm (on the outside) as possible. Meanwhile, my ankles, knees, hips, back, neck, wrists, elbows, and my skull were tensed up. I somehow found the courage to look out of the window a couple times.

          

The girl was hogging the view. I did the best I could....I know, I know, if I wanted to look out the window, I should have sat by the window. But courtesy, eh, whatever...

And then finally...TOUCH DOWN! (No, I'm not talking about the Broncos, who play the Colts this weekend BTW). LAND!!!

Then there's my pale face...

Thank God I made it. I know so many of you were with me in thought and you've said lots of prayers on my behalf. There's no way to say what that means to me! Loves and Hugs until next time... :)

Solo Trip - 3

                                                       

The mountains are calling and I must go. My mountain is fear.

A few things ring true for me. They are things I’ve heard in my life, things I’ve read, and things I’ve learned that just make sense in the current chapter of my life book .

It’s now or never. I’m never going to be ready, and I’m not ever going to be fully prepared. So why not now?

I’m going to feel the fear and do it anyway. What would I do in life if I wasn’t afraid? It’s time to show up. As anxious as we are in life, it’s the fear that stops us from creating a life we want to live. And I don’t want to live in fear anymore. We are only confined by the walls we build ourselves.When we focus on fear, it becomes a prison.

My main goal is to not be afraid. I'll just have faith and believe.  I am going to believe that if something scares me, it should be a good thing to try. I believe that my comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there. Everything I want is on the other side of fear. Fear is manipulative. It forces us into a comfort zone. “Expose yourself to your greatest fear; after that, fear has no power. You are free”. ~ Jim Morrison

As John Wayne once said, “Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway”.

I want to travel. And I want that more that I'm afraid of flying. I'll never become fearless, I'll only learn how to control it. Sometimes the fear doesn't go away, so whatever I want to do, I'll have to do it afraid. 

I've procrastinated long enough. Fear has controlled me long enough. It's time to let it go. I do understand that the scariest moment is right before we decide to take the step forward. The rest is all in our mind.

                   

I love this quote from 'Eat Pray Love'...

 

 

"It's impossible," said pride.

"It's risky," said experience.

"It's pointless," said reason.

"Give it a try," whispered the heart. ~ Unknown

Solo Trip - 2

When I went to the airline website, it was pretty self-explanatory. I picked the day and time for departure for Denver, and then selected my preferred return flight. There was an option for a package, so I clicked that and it walked me through hotel reservations and a car rental. After some investigating, I made my selections. Easy peasy.

I made it to the end of the reservation page without any hesitation. I clicked “next”. It listed all my reserved choices and it asked me to confirm. I looked it all over, it looked correct, so I clicked “next”, again. I entered my credit card information, email, and other required data, and then clicked “next”.

The next page gave me instant anxiety. Besides my confirmed reservations, I noticed the “Book now” button. I thought, “This is it? That’s all I have to do?” It crossed my mind that I could still back out. I haven’t paid for anything yet. Not until I click the button, that is.

I got up from my chair and took a breather. What was I doing? My biggest fear in the world is flying. It's a debilitating fear. Before you roll your eyes, let me explain.

I travelled to Florida by plane with my mom when I was 12. We took a cruise to the Bahamas. I loved flying, and I never gave it a second thought. In 1988, I flew to Houston with other gymnasts for the Olympic Trials and trained with Bela Karolyi (Mary Lou Retton’s Coach) for a week. We had a layover in St. Louis both ways. I never had an ounce of worry.

I didn’t fly again until 2000. Mom and I took a mother/daughter trip to Las Vegas. Let me tell you. I couldn’t sleep the night before. “It’s only a 4 hour trip”, she’d said. That was not helping. There was no consoling me. Once we arrived at the airport, I didn’t render any external attacks that drew attention (that came later). Once we boarded, I failed to hide my panic. I sat down in the aisle seat. Mom said that I could sit by the window since most people preferred it. I gave her a silent look that read, “Umm, no. I DO NOT want to look out of the window. Are you crazy?”

I sat glued to my seat, white knuckled, for 4 hours. My mom tried to speak to me a few times. She was met with short answers and a couple, “Shhh’s”. I was trying to focus on not freaking out. I think I passed out for about 20 minutes at one point, and then woke up to the continued nightmare. As the plane banked around the well-lit city, mom gasped at the beauty below and told me to look out the window to see all the lights (we were on a red eye flight). I slightly opened one eye to take a peak. I quietly murmured, ‘mmhmm’, and then went on with the task of keeping my eyes closed.

When we arrived in Vegas and got off the plane, I bent down to kiss the floor. I didn’t really care how disgusting it was. I was keenly aware that I had two feet on the ground once again. And I didn’t really care who was looking.

That trip to Vegas was before 911 so I can only attribute my fear to the Final Destination movie or all the stories I’ve heard about crashes. I’ve always said I’m not afraid of flying, just the falling out of the sky part. The logical part of me says that I’ll be fine. The other logical part of me says that there isn’t any reason why my feet need to leave the ground. Something that heavy, an airplane, shouldn’t be able to soar through the air. Reality, science, engineering, and physics provide logic, in this case. (Doesn’t mean I agree with it, but that still doesn’t make it false) See? My mind is in constant battle with my illogical fear and science.

I went back to my chair and reluctantly pressed the “Book now” button. My heart rate immediately escalated as did my breathing. What have I done? That was the only thing I could press through my mind. I reminded myself that the trip was a long time from now and I’d be okay.

To fly, I have to give up control. My 1980’s trips were before I knew what it was like to comprehend control or responsibility. By 2000, I was an adult with two kids I was raising alone. When you have to maintain a job, raise kids, live in the big city (Indianapolis), and the only person you can rely on is yourself, you learn to take charge fairly quickly. 

Being a woman with no high school diploma and obviously no further education, you do what you have to do. Meanwhile, I developed the inability to relinquish control. And it isn’t so much about control as it is the automatic ability to just “do” or don’t do. With automatic responses come the need to keep structure and routine. A break in either doesn’t usually factor into life except when you have to let go of the control. It’s like dropping a ball when you’re juggling.

Sometime after our Vegas trip (I know it was after the Vegas trip because while at the Grand Canyon, I stood edge to toe at the steepest drop-off point), I developed a fear of heights. Oh my goofness, that doesn’t help with the flying fear. I actually didn’t realize I had that fear until my family and I took a trip to Chicago in 2008’ish. We were all planning to go to the top of the Sears/Willis tower. I declined when I thought about how far up it was. I played it off as if it was too expensive. In reality, it was then that I questioned this fear.

My fear of heights was reactivated when my best friend and I took a ride to the top of the Empire State Building in 2012 (we went to NYC by train). I had to hold her hand, squeeze my eyes shut, purse my lips, and pray the cables didn’t give out before we reached the top. 45 seconds. It took 45 seconds, or in other words, an eternity (I had to do it. Seeing the sunset at the top was on my bucket list). I have no idea where this fear came from. I’ll keep searching for the origin, because I have to kill these fears at the root.

The quickest way that I’ve learned to overcome any of my fears is to face them. I won’t get into the others, as they pale in comparison. This year has been a year of looking my fears head on as they surface. I don’t back down. So what better time to face the scariest fear I possess?

As I said in my prior blog, I’ve wanted to run away from home for a long time. Both of my children are on their own at the moment, so I figured, why not? Taking a solo trip has been a bucket list item for a long time. When I knew the boy would be leaving, I got the bright idea to pursue the dream, look fear in the face, and overcome.  

Meanwhile, my trip is 4 days away. I’ve taken about 3 breaks while writing this blog because even talking about flying gives me severe anxiety. My heart can’t take it anymore, so until the next blog, God bless!

Solo Trip - 1

T-minus 2 weeks. That’s when I leave for my solo trip. I almost can’t believe it.

I’ve been dreaming of a solo trip for as long as I can remember. There were many days, which seem like yesterday, when I didn’t think I’d make it through. When times were so rough and life seemed uphill every moment. Raising kids is hard, work is hard, and dealing with mean people is hard.

Have you ever wanted to run away from home? Go somewhere to forget reality for a bit and just be yourself? Or even figure out who you are? I wanted to do that a million times throughout my lifetime. Luckily, I am who I am because of my trials, conflicts, and constant battles. Those tribulations gave me strength. That strength provided me with courage, and I’ll muster that courage to take this trip when I never thought it was possible.

I attribute my motivation to the words of people that had little faith in me. Those people fed me my fear on a pretty platter with great detail regarding why it wouldn’t be possible for me. They surrounded the fear and held it high on a pedestal forcing recognition into my line of sight. I believe they held my fear in high regard to keep me grounded, to prevent my personal growth, and to hold my wings captive.

The words they used weren’t always direct statements, such as, “You’ll never be able to do that.” Although, that’s the most popular declaration. Sometimes, it was more passive, like, “Why would you want to be alone?” Or, “I hate traveling alone, you won’t like it.” My response is always, “Are you me?”

If you know me at all, I gain strength through solitude. I live in a state of introspection. I’m no good for anyone if I’m not happy and contented. My peace lies in my alone time. I’m never lonely, because I like myself. I’m good company for myself. And I figured that out by spending time with me.

To clarify, I’ll write several blogs leading up to my departure, if you want to follow me along this journey. I’ll describe my fear, and the reasons why I am taking this trip. I’ll also describe how I am preparing for it. For now, I’ll rest, because I’m depleted for the evening and my courage still comes in waves.

The Boy

He’s leaving tomorrow…

The boy…

I never thought this day would come. This is a child that would grimace at people if they looked in his direction. This was a child that was attached to me from day one. He was always very clingy. He was a momma’s boy in every sense of the word.

As he grew up, he eventually stopped growling at people, but rarely made eye contact. While people talked to him, he would look at me for safety and security. I’m sure people thought he was an odd one, and he was.

He loved his momma. It broke my heart when I’d drop him off at daycare and he’d scream when I would leave the room. I thought this kid would have serious detachment issues as he aged. (He’s pretty awesome now)

But as time would have it, he slowly came into his own. He still eyed me for approval on the basketball court, on the baseball field, and as he ran as fast as he could around the track. I made sure I had a smile and never a disappointing look. If there was ever anything I could count on, it was that at some point during his activities, his eyes would find me. And I was always there to give him the safety he was seeking.

This kid is funny. Oh my goofness! This boy! To this day, he still isn’t a social butterfly to older adults, but he’s pretty popular among his friends. When this kid is home with me and it’s just him and I, sometimes he won’t shut up. Not only does he talk to excess, but I could almost swear he’s from New York with the speed the words fly out of his mouth.

He speaks numerous accents from Russian, Irish, British, Indian, and several more. I can’t even begin to describe his humor. I don’t know where he comes up with this stuff, but I couldn’t even begin to count the nights I laugh until my stomach hurt. This kid has always been my comic relief, even on my worst days. His facial expressions are enough to make me laugh out loud.

He’s seen some hard times. Three and a half years ago, my little family went through the worst time in our lives. It affected us all. The picture of our life now was unimaginable at that time. Because of God’s grace, we don’t live in misery anymore. That’s my story, and it’s for another time. We all have a story. I digress…

I don’t know about your families, but let me just say that one teenage boy can create natural disasters inside of four walls I never knew possible. Sometimes, you don’t find the catastrophe until hours or even days later. And it’s never at a convenient time.

Lazy! Children are lazy! Ugh, why can’t they clean up dribbles of milk, or put chips away when they are done eating them? And why must everything be a struggle? The most frustrating is their selfishness. They can’t see that maybe mom is tired too. They see all the hats I wear and assume I generate enough energy to put the ‘maid’ hat on. Yeah, doesn’t always happen. Then when I had enough of the laziness and their ungrateful attitudes, they couldn’t figure out why I became a raging lunatic.

Before I go off on a tangent, too late, I’ll get back to my point. Not sure I really had a point, other than to express what my son means to me. I’ll never get it all on my blog, as I still have the car to pack and make sure everything that he wants to take is boxed up.

We sifted through drawers and all the nooks and crannies. “Want to take this?” I’d ask. “No.”

“How about this and this?” And so on…

It’s funny looking around his tidy, yet not too empty room. The only things that aren’t packed are posters he didn’t want to take (not even the ‘Breakfast Club poster, what??), some books he read as a kid, older game system games, a bunch of mismatched socks (I think he just didn’t want to pair them up), his old toy box with toddler toys that haven’t been touched in years, his saxophone that he stopped playing his 8^th grade year, his empty dressers, and his coat rack void of jackets.

18 years.

Where did they go? I remember praying for a day when I could do what I wanted to do. There were many times while they were growing up I’d become overwhelmed with responsibility wishing I could fly off to a faraway place and take an extra-long vacation. I couldn’t wait for them to grow up so I could have some peace. I’ve been a single parent for so long, I didn’t know what life would be like otherwise. Even my brief encounters with marriage, it was clear that I would remain a single parent in the midst of those. By then, I had it mastered!

I understand I’m the primary source of ‘Hey, mom. How do I…’, among other things. I’m still always ready and available for my kiddos. They just don’t need me to tie their shoes anymore, or teach them how to use a spoon. The conversations changed to bank accounts, credit scores, insurance, and debt. They now deal with real world stuff.

One thing I’ve always told my kids. “No matter what happens in this crazy life, momma is always here for you, you can always trust me, and I’m always on your side.”

So, as the sun sets on my single parenting duties, I’m armed and ready for the dawn of this new adventure. In 21 years of being an adult, my kids have always been with me. My baby girl has been on her own since 2014. I send my baby boy into the world tomorrow. I’m secure with the knowledge that they both have the tools to create the future they want, and they they’ll make the right choices.

Ol’ mom will be okay. Living alone is WAY easier than living with little people I am responsible for. It’ll just be different. If I can take care of 3 people, I’ll do just fine with me. Besides, I have my God…

…and I’ve asked God to go and watch over my kids, too.

And here's a few pictures! :)

(Forgive this unedited blog, I have more important things to go do...)

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