Solo Trip - 3

                                                       

The mountains are calling and I must go. My mountain is fear.

A few things ring true for me. They are things I’ve heard in my life, things I’ve read, and things I’ve learned that just make sense in the current chapter of my life book .

It’s now or never. I’m never going to be ready, and I’m not ever going to be fully prepared. So why not now?

I’m going to feel the fear and do it anyway. What would I do in life if I wasn’t afraid? It’s time to show up. As anxious as we are in life, it’s the fear that stops us from creating a life we want to live. And I don’t want to live in fear anymore. We are only confined by the walls we build ourselves.When we focus on fear, it becomes a prison.

My main goal is to not be afraid. I'll just have faith and believe.  I am going to believe that if something scares me, it should be a good thing to try. I believe that my comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there. Everything I want is on the other side of fear. Fear is manipulative. It forces us into a comfort zone. “Expose yourself to your greatest fear; after that, fear has no power. You are free”. ~ Jim Morrison

As John Wayne once said, “Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway”.

I want to travel. And I want that more that I'm afraid of flying. I'll never become fearless, I'll only learn how to control it. Sometimes the fear doesn't go away, so whatever I want to do, I'll have to do it afraid. 

I've procrastinated long enough. Fear has controlled me long enough. It's time to let it go. I do understand that the scariest moment is right before we decide to take the step forward. The rest is all in our mind.

                   

I love this quote from 'Eat Pray Love'...

 

 

"It's impossible," said pride.

"It's risky," said experience.

"It's pointless," said reason.

"Give it a try," whispered the heart. ~ Unknown

Solo Trip - 2

When I went to the airline website, it was pretty self-explanatory. I picked the day and time for departure for Denver, and then selected my preferred return flight. There was an option for a package, so I clicked that and it walked me through hotel reservations and a car rental. After some investigating, I made my selections. Easy peasy.

I made it to the end of the reservation page without any hesitation. I clicked “next”. It listed all my reserved choices and it asked me to confirm. I looked it all over, it looked correct, so I clicked “next”, again. I entered my credit card information, email, and other required data, and then clicked “next”.

The next page gave me instant anxiety. Besides my confirmed reservations, I noticed the “Book now” button. I thought, “This is it? That’s all I have to do?” It crossed my mind that I could still back out. I haven’t paid for anything yet. Not until I click the button, that is.

I got up from my chair and took a breather. What was I doing? My biggest fear in the world is flying. It's a debilitating fear. Before you roll your eyes, let me explain.

I travelled to Florida by plane with my mom when I was 12. We took a cruise to the Bahamas. I loved flying, and I never gave it a second thought. In 1988, I flew to Houston with other gymnasts for the Olympic Trials and trained with Bela Karolyi (Mary Lou Retton’s Coach) for a week. We had a layover in St. Louis both ways. I never had an ounce of worry.

I didn’t fly again until 2000. Mom and I took a mother/daughter trip to Las Vegas. Let me tell you. I couldn’t sleep the night before. “It’s only a 4 hour trip”, she’d said. That was not helping. There was no consoling me. Once we arrived at the airport, I didn’t render any external attacks that drew attention (that came later). Once we boarded, I failed to hide my panic. I sat down in the aisle seat. Mom said that I could sit by the window since most people preferred it. I gave her a silent look that read, “Umm, no. I DO NOT want to look out of the window. Are you crazy?”

I sat glued to my seat, white knuckled, for 4 hours. My mom tried to speak to me a few times. She was met with short answers and a couple, “Shhh’s”. I was trying to focus on not freaking out. I think I passed out for about 20 minutes at one point, and then woke up to the continued nightmare. As the plane banked around the well-lit city, mom gasped at the beauty below and told me to look out the window to see all the lights (we were on a red eye flight). I slightly opened one eye to take a peak. I quietly murmured, ‘mmhmm’, and then went on with the task of keeping my eyes closed.

When we arrived in Vegas and got off the plane, I bent down to kiss the floor. I didn’t really care how disgusting it was. I was keenly aware that I had two feet on the ground once again. And I didn’t really care who was looking.

That trip to Vegas was before 911 so I can only attribute my fear to the Final Destination movie or all the stories I’ve heard about crashes. I’ve always said I’m not afraid of flying, just the falling out of the sky part. The logical part of me says that I’ll be fine. The other logical part of me says that there isn’t any reason why my feet need to leave the ground. Something that heavy, an airplane, shouldn’t be able to soar through the air. Reality, science, engineering, and physics provide logic, in this case. (Doesn’t mean I agree with it, but that still doesn’t make it false) See? My mind is in constant battle with my illogical fear and science.

I went back to my chair and reluctantly pressed the “Book now” button. My heart rate immediately escalated as did my breathing. What have I done? That was the only thing I could press through my mind. I reminded myself that the trip was a long time from now and I’d be okay.

To fly, I have to give up control. My 1980’s trips were before I knew what it was like to comprehend control or responsibility. By 2000, I was an adult with two kids I was raising alone. When you have to maintain a job, raise kids, live in the big city (Indianapolis), and the only person you can rely on is yourself, you learn to take charge fairly quickly. 

Being a woman with no high school diploma and obviously no further education, you do what you have to do. Meanwhile, I developed the inability to relinquish control. And it isn’t so much about control as it is the automatic ability to just “do” or don’t do. With automatic responses come the need to keep structure and routine. A break in either doesn’t usually factor into life except when you have to let go of the control. It’s like dropping a ball when you’re juggling.

Sometime after our Vegas trip (I know it was after the Vegas trip because while at the Grand Canyon, I stood edge to toe at the steepest drop-off point), I developed a fear of heights. Oh my goofness, that doesn’t help with the flying fear. I actually didn’t realize I had that fear until my family and I took a trip to Chicago in 2008’ish. We were all planning to go to the top of the Sears/Willis tower. I declined when I thought about how far up it was. I played it off as if it was too expensive. In reality, it was then that I questioned this fear.

My fear of heights was reactivated when my best friend and I took a ride to the top of the Empire State Building in 2012 (we went to NYC by train). I had to hold her hand, squeeze my eyes shut, purse my lips, and pray the cables didn’t give out before we reached the top. 45 seconds. It took 45 seconds, or in other words, an eternity (I had to do it. Seeing the sunset at the top was on my bucket list). I have no idea where this fear came from. I’ll keep searching for the origin, because I have to kill these fears at the root.

The quickest way that I’ve learned to overcome any of my fears is to face them. I won’t get into the others, as they pale in comparison. This year has been a year of looking my fears head on as they surface. I don’t back down. So what better time to face the scariest fear I possess?

As I said in my prior blog, I’ve wanted to run away from home for a long time. Both of my children are on their own at the moment, so I figured, why not? Taking a solo trip has been a bucket list item for a long time. When I knew the boy would be leaving, I got the bright idea to pursue the dream, look fear in the face, and overcome.  

Meanwhile, my trip is 4 days away. I’ve taken about 3 breaks while writing this blog because even talking about flying gives me severe anxiety. My heart can’t take it anymore, so until the next blog, God bless!

Solo Trip - 1

T-minus 2 weeks. That’s when I leave for my solo trip. I almost can’t believe it.

I’ve been dreaming of a solo trip for as long as I can remember. There were many days, which seem like yesterday, when I didn’t think I’d make it through. When times were so rough and life seemed uphill every moment. Raising kids is hard, work is hard, and dealing with mean people is hard.

Have you ever wanted to run away from home? Go somewhere to forget reality for a bit and just be yourself? Or even figure out who you are? I wanted to do that a million times throughout my lifetime. Luckily, I am who I am because of my trials, conflicts, and constant battles. Those tribulations gave me strength. That strength provided me with courage, and I’ll muster that courage to take this trip when I never thought it was possible.

I attribute my motivation to the words of people that had little faith in me. Those people fed me my fear on a pretty platter with great detail regarding why it wouldn’t be possible for me. They surrounded the fear and held it high on a pedestal forcing recognition into my line of sight. I believe they held my fear in high regard to keep me grounded, to prevent my personal growth, and to hold my wings captive.

The words they used weren’t always direct statements, such as, “You’ll never be able to do that.” Although, that’s the most popular declaration. Sometimes, it was more passive, like, “Why would you want to be alone?” Or, “I hate traveling alone, you won’t like it.” My response is always, “Are you me?”

If you know me at all, I gain strength through solitude. I live in a state of introspection. I’m no good for anyone if I’m not happy and contented. My peace lies in my alone time. I’m never lonely, because I like myself. I’m good company for myself. And I figured that out by spending time with me.

To clarify, I’ll write several blogs leading up to my departure, if you want to follow me along this journey. I’ll describe my fear, and the reasons why I am taking this trip. I’ll also describe how I am preparing for it. For now, I’ll rest, because I’m depleted for the evening and my courage still comes in waves.

The Boy

He’s leaving tomorrow…

The boy…

I never thought this day would come. This is a child that would grimace at people if they looked in his direction. This was a child that was attached to me from day one. He was always very clingy. He was a momma’s boy in every sense of the word.

As he grew up, he eventually stopped growling at people, but rarely made eye contact. While people talked to him, he would look at me for safety and security. I’m sure people thought he was an odd one, and he was.

He loved his momma. It broke my heart when I’d drop him off at daycare and he’d scream when I would leave the room. I thought this kid would have serious detachment issues as he aged. (He’s pretty awesome now)

But as time would have it, he slowly came into his own. He still eyed me for approval on the basketball court, on the baseball field, and as he ran as fast as he could around the track. I made sure I had a smile and never a disappointing look. If there was ever anything I could count on, it was that at some point during his activities, his eyes would find me. And I was always there to give him the safety he was seeking.

This kid is funny. Oh my goofness! This boy! To this day, he still isn’t a social butterfly to older adults, but he’s pretty popular among his friends. When this kid is home with me and it’s just him and I, sometimes he won’t shut up. Not only does he talk to excess, but I could almost swear he’s from New York with the speed the words fly out of his mouth.

He speaks numerous accents from Russian, Irish, British, Indian, and several more. I can’t even begin to describe his humor. I don’t know where he comes up with this stuff, but I couldn’t even begin to count the nights I laugh until my stomach hurt. This kid has always been my comic relief, even on my worst days. His facial expressions are enough to make me laugh out loud.

He’s seen some hard times. Three and a half years ago, my little family went through the worst time in our lives. It affected us all. The picture of our life now was unimaginable at that time. Because of God’s grace, we don’t live in misery anymore. That’s my story, and it’s for another time. We all have a story. I digress…

I don’t know about your families, but let me just say that one teenage boy can create natural disasters inside of four walls I never knew possible. Sometimes, you don’t find the catastrophe until hours or even days later. And it’s never at a convenient time.

Lazy! Children are lazy! Ugh, why can’t they clean up dribbles of milk, or put chips away when they are done eating them? And why must everything be a struggle? The most frustrating is their selfishness. They can’t see that maybe mom is tired too. They see all the hats I wear and assume I generate enough energy to put the ‘maid’ hat on. Yeah, doesn’t always happen. Then when I had enough of the laziness and their ungrateful attitudes, they couldn’t figure out why I became a raging lunatic.

Before I go off on a tangent, too late, I’ll get back to my point. Not sure I really had a point, other than to express what my son means to me. I’ll never get it all on my blog, as I still have the car to pack and make sure everything that he wants to take is boxed up.

We sifted through drawers and all the nooks and crannies. “Want to take this?” I’d ask. “No.”

“How about this and this?” And so on…

It’s funny looking around his tidy, yet not too empty room. The only things that aren’t packed are posters he didn’t want to take (not even the ‘Breakfast Club poster, what??), some books he read as a kid, older game system games, a bunch of mismatched socks (I think he just didn’t want to pair them up), his old toy box with toddler toys that haven’t been touched in years, his saxophone that he stopped playing his 8^th grade year, his empty dressers, and his coat rack void of jackets.

18 years.

Where did they go? I remember praying for a day when I could do what I wanted to do. There were many times while they were growing up I’d become overwhelmed with responsibility wishing I could fly off to a faraway place and take an extra-long vacation. I couldn’t wait for them to grow up so I could have some peace. I’ve been a single parent for so long, I didn’t know what life would be like otherwise. Even my brief encounters with marriage, it was clear that I would remain a single parent in the midst of those. By then, I had it mastered!

I understand I’m the primary source of ‘Hey, mom. How do I…’, among other things. I’m still always ready and available for my kiddos. They just don’t need me to tie their shoes anymore, or teach them how to use a spoon. The conversations changed to bank accounts, credit scores, insurance, and debt. They now deal with real world stuff.

One thing I’ve always told my kids. “No matter what happens in this crazy life, momma is always here for you, you can always trust me, and I’m always on your side.”

So, as the sun sets on my single parenting duties, I’m armed and ready for the dawn of this new adventure. In 21 years of being an adult, my kids have always been with me. My baby girl has been on her own since 2014. I send my baby boy into the world tomorrow. I’m secure with the knowledge that they both have the tools to create the future they want, and they they’ll make the right choices.

Ol’ mom will be okay. Living alone is WAY easier than living with little people I am responsible for. It’ll just be different. If I can take care of 3 people, I’ll do just fine with me. Besides, I have my God…

…and I’ve asked God to go and watch over my kids, too.

And here's a few pictures! :)

(Forgive this unedited blog, I have more important things to go do...)

.           

Social Civil War

There was a time during my childhood when someone once asked me, ‘If you could have any imaginary superpower, which one would you want?’ I wanted the power to read people’s minds. I wanted to see their perception on everything and to understand their thought processes. I desperately wanted to know others better. Our innermost thoughts abandon pretense.

These days, I shake my head frantically. I‘d like to take that back. I no longer want to know what others think. I no longer want to know what their thought processes are. It’s ugly, it’s hateful, it’s disingenuous, it’s environmentally calibrated and plagiaristic, it’s credulous, it’s uninvestigated candor, it’s anecdotal, but it’s mostly wrong. My opinion is my conviction, and your opinion is your belief. However, whether we want to admit it or not, it’s fragmented!

People, no one is going to change your mind, and no one will change mine. But here’s the reveal: You don’t have to argue, you don’t have to shout it from the roof tops, and you don’t have to spread the media’s version of a story. You can keep your biased opinions to yourself. You can keep your facts to yourself. We’re all capable of making our own judgments based on research, not the lies we pass around like disease. That disease becomes a virus. How do we stop a virus? How do you prevent your neighbor from doing something they have the right to do? WE CAN’T!

How do we want to be remembered?

Do we really want to be the generation that causes dissension among our own peers? Do we really want to be the source for future quarrels and cantankerous social separation? We are teaching our children that blasting our opinion somehow makes a difference. We’re in an era of change, people. So far, we aren’t faring well.

Why isn’t our generation moving toward peaceful acceptance of other opinions? Haven’t we done this already? Let’s reveal our voice through affirmative action not repulsive behavior. Does our negativity change others? Do our outlooks alter another’s perception? Do we really want to be another generation remembered for hate, for injustice, for a lack of sympathy? Didn’t the former generations do that enough? Do we want to be remembered as the generation that started the social civil war? What are we leaving behind? What will our children have to clean up? They’ll be repairing our ailing and cynical world. We started this! We did this! Will they even be able to mend our mess? Will our human connection be so broken that hate will be indoctrinated?

How much societal mutilation can we possibly endure? Our children need to smack us in the face and scream, ‘ENOUGH’. Let’s stop the destruction, stop the separation, and stop the hate. Stop the misrepresentations and the spreading of the verbal disease that is currently overtaking our virtual world. It’s filtering into real life. People are hating people for their unpopular beliefs. And the two sides really don’t even know each other.

I understand the concept that, “I don’t care what people think of me.” YOU SHOULD. We should know our brothers and sisters. Stop being the tough guy/girl and be kind! You hate them, they hate you. You passionately disagree. You’re behaving like children. Throwing tantrums just to get attention. Where are you now? How do you feel? THAT is what you’re teaching your children. They’re learning to ‘not care’ about other people and their feelings, only selfishness matters. They see that and they take it with them. That is what is wrong with all of us, WE DON’T CARE, though we should. 

We say we are for "____”. That proves you care about something. Well, guess what? Someone else cares about “____”. Do you care about their opinion? No, you don’t. But you want the opposition to care about what you care about. See the disparity? No? There’s the problem. Egotism will get us nowhere. Respect the lines, respect the boundaries. CARE! Disagree, but care, nevertheless. Can you imagine if we all cared about each other the way we should love ourselves?

Someone needs to stand up and say NO MORE. Where’s the love, where’s the acceptance, where’s the connection as a human species?

All we can do is keep ourselves in check. I’ll take care of me. I’ll make sure I don’t create an atmosphere of hate or discord. Who cares what I think unless someone agrees with me? No one. Who cares how I perceive the world? No one. How many people want to hear my opinion? Nobody! Am I going to change your mind? Nope. I can speak openly and honestly around those who truly have an open mind even though they may be in opposition. The only way this scenario would work out is if my audience and I care about each other. Do you care about your neighbor? Do you care about their freedom? How about if we all just respect one another? What if we agree that we are all important enough to stop spewing hate? What if we all still said hello to each other every morning? How about we start aiming for peace instead of contending with who is justified?

YES! We should fight for what we believe. But if we believe in a better world, start with yourself! Who are you? Do you control anything other than yourself? Can you control anything other than yourself? What if we all started controlling ourselves? Oh, what a wonderful world that would be…

Imagine for a moment: A world filled with kindness, graciousness, smiles, laughter, honor, favor, equality, patience, love, and God.

It’s improbable, I know. I’m not disillusioned. However, if I start with me, and you start with you. And then she starts, and then he starts, etc. Then we can change the temperature of our attitudes one by one. Love each other. That is the command. We don’t have to agree, but we do have to love each other. Start with yourself. We only fight conflict because we don’t love ourselves as Christ loves us. If we did love ourselves, we’d see no need to sling fire at our neighbors. We’d be capable of loving others and ourselves. When we love ourselves, we find peace. We find respect for others, and we find acceptance. Let me be me, and I’ll let you be you. Put out love and kindness. Put out hope and joy. Stop the virus! But somebody has to go first.

AT A GLANCE

While walking to the grocery store this evening, I was keenly aware of a glance from a couple in their late 50’s as they drove past me. The lady tried to pretend she didn’t notice me or recognize the direction from which I came. Them, in their fancy Chrysler that is probably worth a million dollars or whatever. Her perfectly groomed salt and pepper hair that she just had styled for the week. As she and her faithful husband were on their way back to that fancy home in the country. 

I had on my $1 flip-flops from Old Navy, work pants that I still hadn’t changed out of, and an army green top I purchased at The Gap on a clearance rack. Along with my purse I bought at a flea market and my torn reusable shopping bag, I was on my way to use my coupon for free eggs (with a $10 purchase). Well, I was actually intending to buy coffee, but the free eggs were a bonus.

My apartment complex and the local grocery store are separated by a fence that has an opening which I sometimes walk through instead of driving all the way around (it takes less time to drive there but whatever).  It isn’t the best neighborhood and it isn’t the worst. I’ve never had a break-in and no one has ever tampered with my car. If the worse thing is listening to my neighbors argue on a daily basis (I know their kids’ names and we’ve never even shared as much as a ‘hello’) then I’d say it isn’t too bad.

The lady (I’m sure she was a nice lady) had no idea that I once lived in my fairytale palace too or my simple home in the country, but whatever. I once drove a fancy car that I parked in my fancy garage attached to my fancy house with a spectacular view of my fancy back yard.

I continued to walk and could almost sense her thoughts. It wasn’t all that long ago that I sat where she is now. It’s only my perception as I’m sure her life isn’t perfect. Everyone has some sort of struggle. So I’ll preface by asserting my thoughts as her own by illuminating presumptions according to her clear pretense.

From the snobbish look she gave me, this is what she revealed…I see the girl walking to the grocery from a not so great neighborhood. She probably doesn’t have much ambition. She’ll most likely use her tax based food stamps at check out. How sad that she doesn’t have more in her life. She looks forlorn. Education probably isn’t an option. She should do something with her life. How can people live without ambition? I feel sorry for her. She walks to the store because she can’t afford a car. No ring. She’s most likely a struggling single mother with bad kids. I wonder how people end up that way. Luckily, I have everything I could ever want, imperfectly perfect.

I recognized her quasi-responsive emotions. I kept my head up and continued my goal, to retrieve groceries. Only the essentials, since I can’t afford much more. Don’t look down on me from your fancy car. I’m not who you think I am. Don’t judge me by my clothing. Don’t judge me by my neighborhood. And don’t think I lack ambition or drive because of your presumptions. Don’t look down your nose at my life that you know nothing about. I may be down, but I’m not out.

I put myself where I am. I’m currently dealing with the consequences of my own choices and the choices of others. I’m doing the best I can. I came from a mountain, and I currently live in a valley. We make the valley as beautiful as we can. Please, you don’t know my story, so don’t try to sing my song.

Yes, I’m tired. Yes, my clothes are cheap. Yes, my home is modest. Yes, I’m only buying a few items. And yes, I’ve been where you are. It’s easy to judge when you’re high on a mountain looking down into the valley. Just remember, it can be beautiful in the valley. My mountain has obstacles, and when I reach the top, I’ll know that I didn’t fall there. I’m strong, but I’m tired. I may be eating from the crumbs, but you better believe it won’t always be that way. 

I once went to the grocery store with a husband, in a nice car. And I once returned to my beautiful home.

Dear Lady who feels sorry for me, please don’t. Don’t glance at me, then look away, embarrassed. I see you. But I don’t know you, and you don’t know me. 

I can only guess what your pretentious look meant, just like you’re grasping at who you think I am.  I have more will and courage than you can imagine. I’m only walking to the store to save my gas money to buy more cheap flip flops which make me momentarily happy.

HE'S A KEEPER

Every day, I see articles and short blurbs about ‘How to tell if your man is a keeper’. They are posted all over the internet and social media. They are in columns in popular magazines or fragmented sections on talk shows. They show up in our news feed because one day you clicked on, “(enter a love topic here)”. 

Now, because of ‘like-farming’, other similar topics are blasted in front of you. You keep clicking on them. Before you know it, you’ve found a column that reads, ‘If your partner has one of these 25 characteristics, he’s a keeper’.

Seriously? What year is this? Anyway…

So you think to yourself, ‘He has two of the 25 listed’, so you start wondering about your partner choice. You realize he’s a decent person, because he has a few of those qualities listed in a column written by an expert. 

Do these look familiar?

He cares about how your day went
He's polite

He doesn’t call you crazy

       He makes you feel beautiful

He texts you right away

       He knows how to apologize

He likes spending time with you

       He doesn’t hold a grudge

He’s patient with you
He lets you have your space

These are all irrefutable, good qualities to have. They are all positive strengths individuals look for in a mate, or even a friend. When we decide to settle down with someone, these make you feel special and appreciated and loved.

He's perfect! :/

We don’t want to date someone with contrasting qualities of the aforementioned list. It’s absurd to want a partner who treats you badly or someone that doesn’t appreciate you. We all know this. I believe we all desire respect, attention, appreciation, and affection. They make us feel good.

The one? Really? Because of candy?

Fishing. Hmm. Ask him to do
what you want to do, see what he says.

They’re all signs that he’s ‘into you’. If your partner is doing all the right things required to suit you personally, that side of the coin is flawless. I also believe the list is ubiquitous and fundamental.  If the listed assets are applied in your relationship, there shouldn’t be a doubt in your mind that he/she loves you. If they are giving you everything they have and they show you all these qualities, then they are a saint. It’s on you if you doubt their adoration for you.

Pauses. Video game. Enough said...

(If you don’t care much about yourself or your own happiness, this is the end of the article for you. You have found mediocrity! Congratulations! Everyone else, continue.)

He treats you like a queen! He’s romantic and loving and giving. He gives the best gifts and surprises, and he loves you with every fiber of his being. And you don’t doubt it one iota.

But how do you feel? What about your feelings? Do you fall head over heels when he’s around? Do you get butterflies at the slightest thought of his presence? He’s perfect, you should.

But you don’t. Sometimes, no matter how much we receive, the reciprocity of feelings just isn’t there. You could read every “he’s a keeper’ article until you’re blue in the face and not feel what you need to feel. You can even begin to question whether there is something wrong with you. You’ve dreamed of finding a mate who has all the qualities that are now before you, and all you can do is feel less than satisfied.

Yeah, that won't ever get old,
or cause problems.

These articles do this to us. These articles tell us to settle for how he treats us and what he does for us. In reality, our feelings matter. Even the person giving to us begins to question our sanity. They may think or say, ‘Look at what I give you and do for you. Isn’t that what you want? Don’t you want to be treated like you deserve to be treated?”

Yes, yes we do. But it has nothing to do with them. It has to do with what we feel and what we want. 100%.

Let’s delve deeper. There is more to this story.

Let’s ask that last question again. When the giver thinks or says, “Don’t you like being treated well?”

RED FLAG. THAT IS A RED FLAG. Let me explain…

(Read the question again and ponder this... What does it make you feel? Does it make you confused? Is it hard to answer? If you’re on the fence about this person, it can be very difficult to answer. It’s manipulation. Read on.)

Emotional tears equate
to love. Who knew?

Yes, it is a red flag. Why? Listen, if you feel less for someone than they feel for you, it doesn’t mean that you still don’t deserve to be treated in all those ways. Their statement is a guilt trip, a type of manipulation. A means to their end. It passively begs a question regarding your sanity. It’s very complicated. But manipulation is usually felt before it is recognized. And remember, manipulation only progresses the manipulator. It’s never good for the other party. (But that’s a different blog all together)

So, I’ll ask it again from the perspective of the giver. “Don’t you like being treated well?”

Yes, yes we do. But we don’t feel the same for them as they do for us, and we can’t force ourselves to feel more than we do. Of course we like being treated well, and what we don’t appreciate is someone questioning our sanity. That’s what that question is proposing.

Here’s the bottom line. Yes, we like being treated well. We know we deserve to be treated well. We just don’t base our own feelings and our reality on what YOU do for US! Our feelings are also based on how we feel for you. Being the perfect partner to us won’t get us to a place that makes you happy. It all lies with love. There are some people we aren’t meant to love and no matter what their actions and behaviors are, we can’t tip to their side of the fence. We might be happy. But our soul isn’t comfortable.

There are lots of reasons a person can’t get to the ‘in love’ stage. Maybe they are dead inside. Maybe they’ve been wounded and need time to heal. Or maybe it is them after all.

I could list a thousand reasons why someone can be nearly perfect for us, and 10 reasons why they aren’t. Those 10 explanations are the reason we sit on the fence.

 

He’s good to me. But are you in love?

He treats me like gold. But are you in love?

Love is a commitment, not a feeling. The commitment comes when you can give someone all of yourself to the person standing in front of you. How do you get there? By overlooking flaws and mistakes. By realizing they are just as imperfect as you are. By knowing that this person has a good heart. By knowing you are safe with this person. By knowing that all you have and all you are is protected in the heart of another. But it’s also knowing the other person’s flaws aren’t detrimental. And an example of a detriment can be a manipulative statement or question like, “Don’t you want to be treated well?”

I’m sorry. That doesn’t sit well with me. A manipulative comment means their heart isn’t clear. It means they still have demons. It means they still have some growing up to do. It means they are slightly selfish, but not always. It means they are desperate. And that, my friends, will cause the receiver to sit on the fence, even when the giver is nearly perfect.

(I know this is somewhat confusing, but follow me here)

He/she treats me great, but is rude to servers.

He/she treats me like a queen, but is awkward.

He/she treats me like I’ve always wanted to be treated, but is immature in a lot of ways.

I’ve never felt so loved, but pouts when they don’t get their way.

It’s very obvious to other people that he/she loves me, but can be possessive.

He/she puts themselves last to give me everything I want, but doesn’t have a backbone with anyone.

These are wonderful,
if you feel the same in return.

He/she shouts to the world that I’m the one, but doesn’t regard how I’d feel about it.

He/she respects everything I do, but doesn’t always support it.

So…Yes, we are treated well. And they meet all 25 ‘he’s a keeper’ qualifications. But what about the red flags? Those can’t be bypassed. Those are more important.

For me, it’s easier to eliminate potential partners by what I don’t want, and what I won’t tolerate, rather than how wonderfully I’m treated. And again, yes, I want to be respected in all the ways those articles describe ‘keepers’. But there are other standards that must be met before a ‘keeper’ status stands. I’ll even sacrifice a few of the good ones to get rid of those underlying manipulations that are unacceptable.

There isn't anything wrong with you when a great guy comes along and you feel less than 'in love'. It just means he isn't the one, or maybe he's not the one right now. And you shouldn't be guilted into answering manipulative questions. Your perfect guy is out there. He may not be perfect. He'll be missing a few traits from someone's 'keeper' list, but you'll feel it. Then, life will be gloriously imperfect.

So, the next time you see an article listing a singular trait and why that makes him a keeper, remind yourself to pay attention to the red flags. The red flags are gut feelings. And a gut feeling means your brain is speaking to your heart. Your gut feeling is a keeper.