Too Much

Too much…

Those are words I’ve heard my entire life. Not always those EXACT words. Sometimes it sounded like…

“You love me too much”

“You care too much”

“You feel too deeply”

“You’re too sensitive”

“You’re too passionate”

“You’re intense”

“You’re different”

“You’re unique”

“You laugh too loud”

“You can’t hide anything because your face says it all”

“You need to find someone that can handle you”

“You’re a lot”

“I just don’t understand you”

“You over-think”

“You dream too much”

I’ve never thought of myself as ‘too much’. I’m just me… Maybe the people saying I’m too much aren’t ‘enough’. Maybe they should dream bigger, vibrate higher, laugh louder, find something they’re passionate about, care deeper, think about others more, think outside the box, color outside the lines, and feel more than they do.

I’ve also heard, “You’re too quiet”. Well, being “too much” is usually followed by a sort of crash. I’m “too much” for so long that eventually my brain shuts down. I don’t want to chit chat when I’m in a zone, or when I’m processing, or when I’m dreaming, or when I’m laughing, or when I’m not understood, or when I’m intense.

My kids are their own kind of "Too much"...No idea where they got that. 

I’m in a deep think 90% of the time and even though that’s where I like to live, it takes a toll on me. The other 10% of me needs mindless TV, easy reading, and silence. 

I understand most people live on the surface and fear the depths. They don’t visit there often and avoid it as much as possible. I know because my life has been spent searching for the depth of people and it’s like swimming in a puddle.

I easily recognize those who live in the depths. I see you. I don’t say as much, but I see you and appreciate you. We understand each other. My soul is close to theirs and we usually don’t even speak. We just ‘feel’ each other and understand. Luckily, those people exist in my world, because where would we be without an understanding of each other?

I went through a situation several years ago and I was told I was ‘too much’. I decided to call an ex I was in a long-term relationship with in my early 20’s who also told me “You love me too much”. I asked him if he remembered saying that. He did. I asked him what that meant because I truly wanted to know more about me and people’s perception. He said, “Sacha, you weren’t too much. I just wasn’t ready to love you with the same intensity that you loved me. I was selfish and didn’t realize you were exactly what I wanted. I’d kill for that now”. Fast forward 20+ years and we still have respect for each other, but I am glad he was honest with me.

Just this year I was told I was ‘too much’ because I revealed someone’s lies with direct evidence, straight to their face. If you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fear.

I was told last year, “Sacha, you need someone who can handle you. You keep stumbling on friends/relationships with people who love the idea of you, but they can’t meet you with the same passion you have”. After learning about myself and what I experienced this year, I believe that. So many can’t see past themselves to appreciate another.

I don’t care or love ‘too much’… You just don’t know how to accept my giving.

I don’t have “too much” passion… You’re just scared to visit your own. It takes a lot of work to chase your dreams.

I’m not “too sensitive”… You just need to learn to watch your insensitive words and their deliverance to others.

I don’t “laugh too loud”… You just need to find something to laugh at instead of being so blah…

I don’t “dream too big”… You just need to dream bigger.

I’m very simple if you really know me. I don’t want anything more than anyone else. If you know my love languages, I’m very easy to understand. I require very little to be happy. You’d know that if you sit with me for longer than any amount of small talk. I need the depth of people…I want to know how you are, not trails of, ‘how’s your day’.

I don’t smother people or chase people, and I don’t beg people to include me or love me or ask them to stay. I let them be who they are and I watch. They show me what they are capable of giving. I then decide whether I’m going to stay or leave. Before I leave, however, I’ll stay too long.

If you try to cage me in all my "too muchness", I just become "too much" more.