New Year: 2018/2019

I sat around a table with friends in Indy last year on the eve of the end of 2017. Just before the clock struck we all went around and talked about what we wanted to accomplish and achieve in 2018. I had high hopes.

I wanted to revisit my music. I wanted to sing again, dust off the old guitar and learn a new song, maybe pull out my keyboard and give my fingers a workout, and maybe hear my harmonica whine. I wanted my kitchen to be plastic free, and I wanted to stop buying manufactured toiletries and make my own. I wanted to travel somewhere I’ve never been before.

I wanted 2018 to be about me and what I wanted because I’ve given myself away for a very long time. I wanted to learn how to take care of myself instead of everyone else. I wasn’t so disillusioned to think there wouldn’t be asks, but I needed to focus on me like never before.

2018 has been the best and worst year of my life. That is a true statement.

I haven’t been so sad and so very happy at the same time in all my life.

I’ve known deep, debilitating sadness in my life, and I’ve been extremely happy on the mountain top at other times. But to experience it in the same moment was a new feeling.

My daughter was going to have a baby. Oh, the joy that comes with that, but the sadness of the details were weighted. That isn’t my story to tell. But the expectation of a grandbaby was so exciting. My daughter needed me and I needed to be there for her. It was an honor. But that even came with a sadness that knocked the wind out of me.

I lost a family member this year to foolish pride. I gave time and love to them, but in the end I couldn’t get the same respect in return. I chose to walk away and so did they.

I really think I’m color blind. I don’t see the color red, because when flags are flying I avoid them. I see people for who they are and I accept them, even when they have selfish traits, or traits that I don’t agree with. I’m very accepting, until I see that I’m not being accepted. I will take years of abuse and don't really know how to fix that.

I lost friends and acquaintances, too. I had friends tell me that they hoped to never make me feel left out, as they proceeded to leave me out and pretend they didn’t make promises. People disrespected me, but then was told I wasn’t disrespected and I shouldn’t feel that way. Well, that person is now gone from my life, because if I say I was disrespected, I was disrespected. Don’t tell me my truth. The gone person can just stay blind. Not my problem.

I had people use me and pretend they didn’t. I had people act childish, pouty, selfish, and ungrateful. These people wouldn’t allow me to be me. They wouldn’t give me what I needed even when I asked for what I needed specifically. I’m very vocal about who I am and what I need. There were some people I had to leave behind because they couldn’t see past themselves to see me. Does that make me selfish? I think I was just trying to take care of myself and when they showed me they didn’t care, I believed them. I don’t have a problem walking away when I’m mistreated or taken for granted.

I’m very tolerant, even to the point of bad judgement. When I walked away, my life didn’t feel burdened any longer. I felt free. I no longer grieve them.

To be completely vulnerable and real, there were countless times I was either down on my knees or standing with my hands raised up high asking God to take me home. People made me feel so worthless that I no longer wanted to be here. God would bring to mind the handful of people that would miss me. But if God just took me then that would just be so easy. I was ready to go. I’ve been ready to go, and I’m still ready. I don’t fear death.

One evening in the midst of my asking this one favor of God, I had a person awaiting a text response on my phone about why I couldn’t make my life about them. They were upset because I didn't want to chat. They felt left out and wanted to help. I just wanted left alone. And that's exactly what I got. Left alone forever, because they left, too.

I was losing a battle and the only way to fix it was to ignore and walk away. I’ll be the bad guy. I’ve never had a problem with that. I’m not perfect, but I do think of others before myself. I have flaws people overlook, but they love me anyway. In the end, God didn’t take me. I’m still here awaiting instruction from Him.

“Sacha, don’t you feel lonely being alone all the time?” No. The only time I feel alone is when people make me feel that way. I love my space, I love the quiet, and I love the peaceful area in my home that I built for myself. But I also love to be with family and friends that include me not out of obligation, but from love. Mutual respect is really an easy thing.

When I need space, I’m thankful to have a couple friends that tell me they love me and they’ll be there for me when I come around. Fake friends rationalize your silence as hatefulness. As an introvert, I introspect my situations before I’m able to talk about them. Sometimes that takes hours and sometimes it takes weeks. Being inconsiderate of me and who I am will not make me open up faster. Being intolerant of me as a person only makes the red become so vibrant I can no longer ignore it.

I don’t want sympathy or for people to feel sorry for me. I suffer in silence to save everyone from my misery because everyone is going through something.

My guitar still has dust on it, my keyboard was taken out once, and my harmonicas are still neatly tucked away in a drawer. I developed a DIY shampoo that I am still perfecting and haven’t bought shampoo from the store all year. I did travel to New Orleans and saw everything I’ll ever need to see there. It was a trip that taught me a lot. About the place, about the people, and so much more. My trip to Canada didn’t pan out, either. Probably a silver lining in there somewhere.

I'm a few items closer to being plastic free in my kitchen. It's inconvenient and expensive to do this, but I'll get there.

I finished remodeling my family room and kitchen. I’m extremely happy with my progress. Next year I’ll tackle my living room, hallway, and full bath. I also have 3 trips planned. They will be for me. I deserve it!

I just know that I’m not angry with those who left my life or opportunities that I missed. I was hurt and disappointed, but I realize now they were my expectations that couldn’t be met by the people I was placing them on.

This year is going to be about me. ‘No’ is a full sentence. My burdens are mine and yours are yours.  I can’t spread myself thin any longer. I’m still a helper to those that need it, but there has to be limits from here on out and boundaries in place so that God and I don’t have all out fights.

So the expectations I have for this year is to love myself again, to forgive myself for not being everything to all people, to allow myself to be who I need to be to meet God’s expectations of me and if that means people hate me for saying no, then I will continue to be alone as I watch my circle get smaller and smaller. As I cultivate my friendships, I hope the ones that love me will re-invest back to me.

A gentleman will be here soon to give me an estimate on a bathroom remodel so I must go.

Happy New Year, everyone!